SANCTUM

annoyed like hell...and yet not.

2006-10-28T21:35:27Z

I am attempting to give a damn but i cannot.
I guess todays whine is about people in general. Never ever ever there when you need them. Say one thing do another.

Pretend to be concerned when they couldn't give fuck all.
make plans, promises and then dump you when something better comes along. Hell I guess I should start doing that too after all what are plans made and shit when you don't give a toss.
Pretend like they are your friend and then when you really need them to show they are never do, dump you faster than hot potatoes.
Constantly take take take and never give when it comes their turn to give.

So I am not really annoyed and yet i am pissed off, for in the space of a week people have managed to show them selves up as flimsy and unreliable. Then again, I never really relied on them anyway, after all they are only human. But sometimes you do wish you could find just the one...

see i don't mind, its just annoying to do things so late or to end up completely unreliable the one time I actually 'need' em to be reliable or rather hope them be so. So you know what, this week everyone can crawl up their arses and leave me in peace. I don't want nothing to do with no one and so bridges are getting burnt! Some more vocally than others , you get in the firing line I apologise, 'only' cause you got in the firing line but hey ya couldn't care less so its water of a ducks back.

Rant over.
and surprisingly i feel so much better after chopping off all the dead weight and shaking it off.
Incidentally, this will also be the last entry i ever make in this journal.
I wanna move. *sets fire to the journal and cackles evil like*

doing great

2006-08-30T09:28:14Z

I'm rather happy with the way things are going. I am still busy but dang it I have my true smile back. No one is taking that away again. Amecon is also now a good memory as opposed to being tainted somewhat. Selective recollection works a charm even in everyday life. Ahh guess who just got cut off mobile phone wise *points to self* but I dont care that much. Financings are slowly growing is why, so I will be able to pay it soon which is why im not worried.

I'm working on updating the website, not the layout no, thats done. I am fiddling with making the layout load faster and also to make it a bit better laid out. Text wise.
I'm also working on getting my Pdf's done and then strange but cool people can buy some manga. Hardcopies won't be available for a bit longer.

Everybody, chuu loves Ramya! and Pv-chan and her wifies and Koneko-chan and all her friends. Just though a little shout out was in order specially for Ramya and Pv cause they have been awesome.

Moving out of my rut

2006-07-19T12:08:44Z

With the anime convention coming up and all the other things I have to do I feel like I am finally moving out of a rut and there are so many things to do now I don't think I can keep up but I like that.

Don't get me wrong, I am thankfull for the calming down period but now I am almost itching to get stuck into things.
I have the new website layout to do, my Cosplay costumes to finish off and possibly (god willing) the chance to work with some people on mangas ^_^ which would be like a very nice dream if it does go ahead.
I feel I am ready for things now. I've also got to try and meet the deadline for TKY-pop's rising stars of manga T_T suchhhh a hectic end of month but I figure if not this one then defo the next.

So sorry i haven't spoken to my friends much for so long, bad time really very much so, and if you don't yet hate my guts completely I apologise for disappearing. I'm catching up with all my arts and commissions now be they gaia or not XD. I live again!!

Whatever...

2006-02-26T15:25:12Z

My ebil-ness scale

You Are 22% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

pinched!!

2006-02-05T10:34:00Z

</lj>

finally...

2006-01-25T09:11:27Z

got my first skirt up on ebay yus...and surprisingly twas a lot easier than i had thought sheesh the other stupid way 'i' was doing it was dumb XD
Now just to see how it goes and then list the other three skirts...um no wait, there are five I believe *claps* wonder if i will have enough money from them to buy a sewing machine finally T_T what a happy day that would be. Okay, off to pick up lace, buy a book and pen, and a suit thingie for interview tommorow. please wish my crappy ass some luck. I feel terribly like just not going XD...T________T
I feel...worried and its just the day before.

oh yes check out chuu's weird looking legs hohohoho, i like my legs *pouts*
http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=5464854494&rd=1&sspagename=STRK%3AMESE%3AIT&rd=1

In other news, just text left to be added to the next page of my gaia twould be better if i put it up after thursday or something.

chuu_hime @ 2006-01-21T13:48:00

2006-01-21T13:50:45Z

currently i am having far too much fun with lolita snap, not cause 'I' have any pictures mind you but just cause just cause. Which is a good enough reason hehehe
Okay so i'm obsessed shoot me...
and pay a hefty price hohoho, i'll be rich! rich i tell you! oh oh off to bug matthew to picturefy me and hopefully not turn out ugly so i may have something to put up T_T
wish i was pwetty

New Layout

2005-11-03T12:46:08Z

I made a new layout! go me. I rather like it. I was actually gonna use another picture for it but bah i like this already. Besides that, sorry for not updating the journal. I'm all writy type now *nods* I rather think I have gotten back into it. Its become fun again but combining it with manga drawing as well is hard.

Job wise I still have nothing cause I suck majorly and no one wants me but I wanna wash dishes again cause I want to buy Matt type person a pretty and I want it to be the bestest one in the whole whole world that beats anything he's ever had cause he's been uber nice to me.

INKING Kari(Tsukiahakai form-dress not part of it) and Meeku(real form)

The difference in forms are that one meeku is no longer cuddly or small or even carry-able ^_^
Kari becomes i don't know, different, kinda stremlined XD, eye shape changes for a start and her hair colour is different. A merging of colours actually, sea-green and white.

WRITING
title; 'not got one i like yet T_T'
Chapter One
Under The Night

Under the cover of Darkness that was when she worked best.
It wasn’t just a part of her, it was also a dear friend.
One that was always constant and expected. So it remained coming and going without fail. Its arrival never depending on feelings, never tainted by the whimsical desires that so marred the humans it shared with.
And one that would shield her well for the purpose she held tonight as it always had.

Apart from the artificial lighting that surrounded the house at regular points there was no other kind of lighting filling the expanse of land. There was no moon tonight, the seeming trademark of hers wasn’t present tonight and she didn't need it. She never had. She could see well enough without it even at her current distance.

She reached down to her boots now as she crouched still concealed in the bushes and the darkness that surrounded the grounds of the house. It wasn't really a house, she thought taking a moment to note that. It was more a mansion. In fact...was there something that could lie between that and a palace? she thought as she let her gaze run over it taking in every architectural quirk with a calculating eye. Already she was simultaneously valuing the property and noting the weaknesses that a days preparation had drawn to her attention.

Tonight she had decided to take this mission alone. It was after all...one of personal pleasure. The knife slipped out easily. She hadn't had to look down to find it. It was always in its same place, never changing. She could always reach for it and it would be there, fitting into her palm with such familiarity she couldn’t remember being without it. Her fingers curled round it briefly in silent greeting before being placed between her teeth. Her hands moved quickly, expertly as she twisted the free fall of thick dark hair into a knot. It took the most minimum of hand movements but it was completely secured. Another action it seemed she was familiar with.

Crossing over the exposed part of the grounds was also done with great expertise though truth be told she found it was a lot easier than she had expected. Being nothing more than a large open expanse of green with only a very sparse amount of decorative trees, she had felt that this would indeed be the hardest bit. The house sat smack in the middle of its surrounding ground where it would be easy to spot anyone approaching. She had to brave the lights that illuminated it the closer she came leaving only the smallest of shadows for her to work with. She had even expected ‘a’ dog at the very least. Something she had equally prepared for. A smile touched her mouth.

Her gaze scanned her environment again now that she was closer. To her hearing every sound but her heartbeat was magnified. Her breathing was normal and easy. Not the slightest sound of registering exertion. Then again that was another nifty trick she possessed, she was well used to controlling it.

There no lights on throughout the ground floor of the building. In fact there were more lights on outside than there were in. It indicated the possibility that the owner was either out or asleep. Something that suited her perfectly though, she had hoped it would have been a little more exciting than it was currently proving.

Her study and enquiries about the place had told her that there was only one main occupant of this house. A young man. One it seemed no one saw very much of. In actuality he had only been seen a handful of times. So much so her informant thought his presence was imaginary. A young man with way too much money for him not to be a dear and share with her. He had far too much not to.

Bodyguards were another security point she had factored in and at least in this she was not completely disappointed. There were bodyguards but at most there were two. They weren’t nearly enough to be of any proper use on grounds so large. She watched them now from her sheltered position near the wall. A low hiss of annoyance passed through her teeth. They were playing checkers and drinking champagne from slender delicate glasses! It was so surreal she didn’t know what to make of it for a moment. Was it an elaborate trick? To pretend there was nothing worth protecting?

As she moved away she slipped her knife back into place with a low expletive. It just beggared belief that she had not yet run into even one challenge. She could almost be coaxed into thinking that the house didn’t hold one of the most valuable items she’d heard of. Placing her hand against the walls of the mansion she moved along cautiously. Treading carefully and quietly her eyes always scanning, ears always primed for any sound. She soon found what she was looking for with ease. She had no need to cross check. Everything was still embedded in her mind after hours of studying the plans. This despite the drunken partying which had been going on outside her door.

Her searching hand soon found something other than the rough texture of the wall and she looked up at the wood panelling that supported the ivy growing along its height and almost blocking it from view. It would take her up to the first floor…if it would support her weight she she didn’t have all that much of. She was lean…not skinny, for the latter would suggest a weakness she did not possess.

She rattled it slightly testing it out and surprisingly it was quite strong. She soon found herself on the balcony of the second floor. She began to wonder if she would have gotten to her purpose much the same by just walking through the front door. The curtains behind the sliding doors were drawn and the light was off in this particular room. But this wasn’t were she was going to enter. No, it would be easier higher above and that’s where she went now climbing up with the aid of the rope she had brought with her. Here there was a balcony that went right round the building and past all sliding doors and windows that lay above. She could practically pick and choose her point of entry.

Looking out over the grounds from her vantage point only came as a result of the unshakable feeling of being watched. The feeling that there was something more to this house than was presented was fleeting and passed in seconds. However the unease forming inside didn’t leave with it. No, that remained and it was for its source that she was now looking. Someone was watching her and she knew what that felt like. There was no mistaking that feeling.

What exactly drew her gaze to the next point she wasn’t exactly sure. Was it that she had just seen something out of place in the map of her mind or has she just deliberately known where to look. As if having been told? Whatever it was it faded into insignificance as she stared almost wide-eyed at the pale form standing a distance away on the grass below her. Standing far enough away it seemed that human eyes would not have made out the features. Hers did.

It seemed the wind must have picked up in the time she had spent climbing even though she hadn’t felt a change. How could it not have, the almost white fall of hair was floating as if it were. She got the strange feeling of being submerged under water just watching it. The eyes that seemed to looking straight at her. Yet it was impossible. She wasn’t visible in the shadows in which she stood. Still, there they were definitely staring at her impossible or not. A chill rand down her spine. Was she somehow imagining that…

She closed her eyes briefly and opened them again and there was nothing there. It was all as it had been before. Part of her still insisted she had not been imagining what she had seen and yet the other part simply refused it on the basis that it was not there now. If it had truly been there nothing could possibly disappear that fast. The idea of ghosts were far from her mind only because she held back such notions. She did not believe in them and that was it.

---------------------------------------------------------

Hours earlier, she had been packing her backpack for this little endeavour.

Days earlier she had been down at the local bar being regaled by the location of a lesser known artefact that apparently resided in a mansion with an eccentric owner who had more money than sense. Twin Katana swords of an exceptional make such that there was not another pair like them anywhere. What she had been paying attention to however was the money. The fact that there was supposedly so much money which could, knowing her extraordinary fortune, be lying right in the building.

The first part sat staring at her now, lovingly in pride of place. Glass coffin on the wall its fanfare the gilt edges and engraved plate one that displayed its name proudly. With what little light there was the glass shone but the blades within, they were different. Depending upon the angle you took them at they shimmered differently and for a moment she was entranced. Her fingers reached out seemingly of their own accord. It wasn’t something she had control over which would only unsettle her much later. Just as much as the fact that they had vibrated. Low almost imperceptible but they had. There was no doubt about it.

Something moved along the corner of her vision but when she turned in response there was nothing there. Yet…the unease just wouldn’t go…

She gave a soft annoyance and a new kind of grim determination settled across her face as she decided to get what she had come for. Not for the swords, no. Any skilful thief would have figured out with the very first glance. Those swords had no value. They were priceless.
And priceless led to trouble trying to sell it off.

She was highly aware of the soft carpet beneath her feet and the richness that seemed to scream from every corner but she ignored it easily enough. Rather than due to some well built filter for distraction it was more the door that presented itself before her. She had to look up to follow the top of the double doors that lead both into and out of the room it sheltered. How could it be missed. The oak panelling bordered by the most intricate but beautiful carvings she had ever seen. It seemed it lead to something amazing. It couldn’t lead to just another room. It would be a waste.

**********************************

As she had thought it lead to what could only be the main part of the house. If anything were to happen she had a feeling it would all happen or at the very least originate from here. The room was a strange but vast circle shape and on the floor in its centre there were more intricate designs that carried all the hallmarks of a casting circle. Somewhat corrupted but definitely a casting circle. These she hadn’t come across except drawn in books. Why anyone would chose this kind of design was beyond her. It didn’t feel like it was a random choice either. Everything in the room seemed to have a purpose. A semi-circle of high windows lay straight ahead and above. Above was the most breath taking of all. Above there was a glass dome ceiling and though it was far far above she could still see every detail painted into the glass as if she held it in her hands.

Halfway up th room and to the glass domed ceiling lay rows and rows of books . The shelves of which followed the circular nature of the room all the way to the top. She briefly wondered how on earth anyone could reach that high up without using some form of levitation or summoning. After all, and as was well known, nothing like that existed in real life. That was the stuff of drunken tales and story books. A few of which she had idled with herself until she had been bitten by harsh reality.

Across to her right the picture caught her attention. Her hand had been so close to it yet she hadn’t noticed it at all. She moved to stand in front of it now instinct telling her it hid something. It was something about the way the picture practically jumped out at her senses. It wasn’t of the most impressive size but that hadn’t been what had caught her attention. Neither was it the person in the picture. Nor the way the eyes seemed to stare at her as if really seeing her. She stared thoughtfully at the picture. What had drawn her attention to it was the fact that of all things in the room it was the most normal. More accurately it was trying ‘too’ hard to be normal. What she wanted was no doubt behind it and he ignored the chill that went down her spine. This place…was just too strange. She hadn’t planed for this.

With the intent to move it the picture seemed even more unnerving. She reached up taking it down a smile illuminating her face now as she saw the safe behind it. Rubbing her hands briskly she set to work. Minutes later she was staring at a pile of money. Actual and real, not in the least imaginary. That someone would be so stupid as to put such amounts at home…it defied belief. There was a lesson to be learned here and she didn’t mind teaching it. She’d even thought about how she would get the money out, something she had spent much more time thinking about than she had on cracking the safe. She’d opened so many of them in her time that she barely had to think. Most models were always the same and different ones only varied by small changes that only required a little common sense.

continues....
(needs more editing)

A normal person...

2005-10-06T10:02:17Z

who is nice would be nicer to their mother. Me *shrugs* i do this;

*mother comes home from hospital appointment in the evening*
*opens bedroom door (without knocking 'again' for the umpteenth flipping time but we wont go into that *pretty grin)

mother; Naomi, i love you (incidentally she is totally disturbing my music T.T, im creating art here)
chuu: (after she says it twice) okay, what do you want.
mother; nothing...i'm dying
sister; (lounging on bed) cool
Chuu; m'okay *returns back to colouring*

Because i can! bwahahaha *thunder and lighting* and cause my god it aint nothing more than i've wanted to do to her before T.T. Me and my sis had the bright idea to chop off her limbs and lock her in the bedroom for heavens sake...but just too messy a job hehehhehe

Neways, i have nearly finished cololuring yay! i got tired yesterday and had to fall asleep but not untill i had totally finished everthing to the exception of the manipulated water ^_^ me so proud of meself, i got back into the zone and remembered just how much bloody fun it was by God i wanted to colour more and hadn't even finished that one yet, why right now i itch to colour again but since im hiding out at the library (cause mother is off today and at home and would simply 'not' let me be and just take the complete piss and send me every little errand under the sun) i can't. This makes me sad for stupid me i didn't even bring any paper and pencils to at least draw with.

how i regret it now. T___________T
but that aside I seriously want comicworks, must...buy...it...*dies*

i...

2005-10-05T11:19:58Z

be colouring.
don't disturbu
*hangs up a do not disturb sign*
I come out to play later T.T

oh yes, i want to change my name for the heck of it, when i got me money show me the nearest court for i will dub myself Chuu for eternity hahahahahaha, oh yes keep calling me chuu or i cream ya.

okay...

2005-10-03T10:24:09Z

at about some minutes to five closing time in 'PC World' land I gave in finally to the temptation, tooo strong to resist ( I am weak what can I say, i do things and regret it...sometimes)

*deep breath*...
I tooootally bought a tablet and how much did I splash out on it like forty quid oh my goood how much again only like fooorrtyy quid of money i totally don't have wherein i paid mother the twenty pounds once we got home now i have to find twenty this week to give her afore she strings me up cause i said i would give her back if she bought it for me. However I thought oh my forty for a tablet, then it occurs to me to actually check what I bought (please, do not say a word even though you are totally dying to point out the errors of buying and not looking...it was a tablet, it could draw, it good, yay, that be it)

Neway, then I notice it was a Wacom and though 'well i never, I'd been looking for this brand for ages and I pick one up and don't even know it pft'. but anyway, that not so important as much as oh my god i have a new tablet and have been playing with it all night (no there is no double meaning in that...i mean it) I could kiss it the lovely thing that it is.

So I happy again i can draw weee so now I can also finish my manga pages, not like anyone would have noticed the induced hiatus. Now to steal mother's laptop for an evening under the guise of um...email checking hah perfect and then upload em.

oh yes, must do something about deviantart page...

Because...

2005-10-02T11:44:27Z

...I have more time online today, I decided to update my journal. No one would read it though since I have been atrociously bad at keeping up with everyone elses journals and everything else on the internet. Kinda went and built a lifestyle I can't possibly keep up when I only have stupid amounts of time online like thirty minutes and what not. Too many messages to get through (but I like it, it gives me something to do and sadly makes me feel important for a few seconds so sue me)

Still can't find my tablet pen and I guess its time i got another one anyway since the other was like being held together with sellotape. I'm such a cheap ass mofo *giggle* Lots of other stupid stuff going on too.

More importantly is today, since that is kinda what you're about livejournal. Confidence nosedived biggggggggggggggg time so I'm kinda hiding out indoors. Not like I do get out much but today I do feel like I am hiding out, though I am getting dragged out to town to film today (media project...sister's own) and I seriously don't want to go, skin problems and all, not so bad if its on my arm or elsewhere just not my face T.T it sucks. It just has so not helped matters.

Instead of feeling really miserable like I want to (which is sad and pathetic, grow up) I sew pretty wifey Pv's skirt. *hugs skirt* my princess gets a princessy skirt yay. One that is sooooo belated its not funny ^_^. So dun worry Pv, chuu is working on it. Need to iron the material.

Next week is going to be a long week of nothing if I don't get a job (which I need in order to buy a tablet, or refund the money if I get driven enough to take it from the savings) so I guess i might get more of a chance to come online again and if anyone is waiting for replies to messages and stuff I can get through them...annnddd maybe I get to speak to Lora more yay! *cheers* day just got a bit brighter.

I feel like going to the park haha, park is always good at making me feel better. Might not get a chance to today though. ooooh I know, I could write a list of all things I want. I did want (in the previous list I wrote) a comic in print by the time June 06 rolled round but what with the current process of not doing jack cause of being broke, might not happen.

Benjie says hi ya'll and P-chan, baby so cyuteee! *cries* I want to eat baby ( but i won't really T.T) chuu lubs yew T______T, oh yah bubba, someone tells me you've been naughty tut tut *waggles finger* you wrooonggg XD, hug for you.

no particular title

2005-08-31T10:20:38Z

run down of life events so far
1. found out mother was paying to find out two things while i was away
-why me and ged broke up (which is such old news it aint funny)
-if i like girls (*takes moment to laugh 'so' hard)

sometimes i love my sister for she took the money first before saying...she didn't know. awards for this kind of thing just need to be handed out.

2.got pictures of con yay! saw self in one ...awwww T_T

3. I'm feeling happy

4. decided to drag myself to the library to read. Now i stare at it with even more wonder *___* i wanna find books to touch...hey, hey...not in the way you are thinking.

5. nothing else really though i lost my foundation today/yesterday, 15 pounds down the drain. I can't get another one now and the person that broke it refuses to confess. I can go to london to get another one either. costs money that , for the train, so now if i look down at the ground any lower i will unbalance myself and fall. T_T. i want my foundation back. its proving soooo hard to find another one now. ones that not in america anyways.

chuu_hime @ 2005-08-25T11:15:00

2005-08-25T10:16:44Z

i need to update journal more!
this is just an entry to say that
wowie...the exicitement...im so faint
...
i need to stop being so sarcastic haha.
oh and i got sweets again! yay!

tagged...

2005-08-16T11:24:14Z

Pick 5 fictional characters you would sleep with. Then tag 5 more LJers.

1. Ryoko(Tenchi Muyo)

2. Andriod 18 (dbz)

3. yukito (Cardcaptors)

4. Utena (Revolutionary Girl Utena)

5. Ripley (from aliens, i hope i get to add her cause i want to so much and she's fictional too...hawt...and for the sheer fact that that woman does not lie down and die dyamn *_*)

(obviously not in order i would hurt their feelings to play faves hehehe)

um...i dont know who to tag now T_T
johnetta no friends.
*slinks off* im going to buy sweets now.

chuu_hime @ 2005-08-11T12:28:00

2005-08-11T11:28:57Z

got an extra thirty minutes. High point of my life today. Maybe buying candy soon will be the next. I'm fat hohoho.
going round journal hunting now ^_^

chuu_hime @ 2005-07-30T17:15:00

2005-07-30T16:18:57Z

its quiet
...dont you think
im sooooo bored
*flops* even writing this makes me feel more bored...and somewhat unfurfilled too
i want the light of my life back, give mikaeru back to meeeee! please *bawls*

ah

2005-06-10T08:00:30Z

i had something to say before but then i forgot it.
I think my brain did that deliberatly as well. It went 'wot, you ganna write 'that' sappy piece a s***?! i dont think so, i will not be associated with it' and then switched it off. so now i dont remember what it was i was going to say.
I remember pieces though bwahaha but they make no sense. Its merely 'smell of sausages and sound of pot clang, heavy silence, fluttering of disatisfaction, loss of something important, carpet look different when studying it, dA not good, less internet time, happy, not happy, lonely, writing, worry and fear, tempara bay, birds sing, energy sap, chii hair, miss candy.

That is all. Doesnt make sense so my brain did a fine job of killing what i had planned to say before. I think it realised that you wouldnt be intrested in long entries.

word for today is...

2005-06-08T17:19:43Z

clevage (sp?)
it be good and mermerizing and it seemed they were all against me today.
Nearly walked into a sign post cause i got assulted by the image of the biggest clevage i ever did see drive past in form of a picture on a van. The ad was something to do with tomatoes...and fresh...and squeezed. After the sign post i almost ran myself into a lady.
Lasting effect of the picture see...brain went wehooo and escaped.

at uni my friend had a clevage on display too T_T whats with that!?

and then coming home the lady in front of the bus had a clevage and all and twas bouncy. I did not notice this cause i was staring i assure you. >.>,...<.<...*ahem* so yah and this one time, she totally got up while bending forward *dies* imagine the view...only this old guy moved at the same time and i got a view of his dry peely scalp since he be losing hair in the normal male kinda way middle afore all.

so i had the biggest 'i've been deprived' pout on my face for most of the trip until i got distracted by sunlight and people lying prostrate in the parks enjoying the sun and grass. alright for some said i. I have to go home and cook. Blergh. Neway, twas good i got distracted i sniffled my way through the stupid night and felt even worse come the morning and just about ready to hurl everything i ate through the morning part of my day. but the dah-dah-dahnnn about 2ish i got to have lots of fun in the revision class and Mr Mahmood he not so bad really. chuu likes him...now that is. He has pretty smile and is small and short and sweet *giggles* If i gave him more of a chance i think i would have liked him but then there was the other teacher Alison who was muuuchhhh more of an eye candy to stare at so nyah. Old guy and glasses versus beautiful fresh faced lady with pretty pink lips, dainty hands and the nicest voice who 'doesnt' ask you questions and put you on the spot...which one would 'you' chose?
so you see, i had absolutely no choice but to go with my heart *touches chest all mushy lovey type with the most innocent of looks*

T_T not amused in the slightest

2005-06-06T20:25:52Z

i would like to stop talking to people on msn now thanks.
*shrugs* i dont know, cause i dont get it but somehow i tend to make things worse in the end. I dont even know how so im left staring at the screen and wondering what the fuck just happened there ten.

If im not helpful to chat to then i would rather not talk to anyone on msn anymore if it please ye. Because my brain is small i do not get things okay, i am not kidding when i say i dont understand stuff neither am i being insincere when i say stuff.

But because of the numerous instances of having friends leave in the middle of nowhere i refuse to be made to feel bad because of it. Read my lips, 'i refuse' i will not have my day crash into my laps, i will 'not' be left spending my whole evening wondering what i said or how this got there and then ended up the other way, i refuse to hurt, i refuse to trust, i refuse to feel like crying over shit i dont even know and i refuse to believe anyone when they tell me anything anymore cause you lie!. You dont intend to, no one does but it always turns out that way.

Dont ask me things about myself, don't try to rip me apart over the messenger, dont leave in huffs i can't explain, dont shout at me, dont try to make me feel bad, dont give me cryptic clues, dont promise me anything, just dont okay. So please just stop. I will not talk again and i will keep conversations to a minimum if this is what will be more pleasing and will keep me and everyone in a happy state of affairs. It might sound selfish, yes. I agree wholeheartedly.

the list is purged. msn is sacked.

chuu_hime @ 2005-06-06T18:22:00

2005-06-06T17:41:57Z

Dear diary,

im so tired T_T
and god i hope i pass
because my balance sheet did not balance
and my profit and loss trading had a mistake somewhere i just know it
and if i dont pass that simple subject i will run out and jump off something.

Incidentally... benjie came with me to uni today, to give me moral support.
i love him ^_^, even though he hasn't had his bath yet he braved the outside for me :3
and the chinese lady that hands out magazines smiled at me and gave me a thumbs up and i felt so happy. She recognises me. Always take the magazine from her i do cause its a hard job getting up at the crack of dawn to stand outside the underground handing out magazines and then just having people walk by. Always make sure to give her a bright smile for her smile is much betterer and i like it when she smiles. She's beautiful and mother feeling. one time she dropped one and was trying to pick it up but with all the legs that kept going by and the fact that she had the other pile to hold down she couldn't have stood a chance so i took that one to save her the trouble cause she's nice. Her smile to it and the gratitude made me feel terribly guilty for it made me feel so terribly worth something for a moment in time.I like to hope that when she gets home she's not too tired and that she is always happy.

and i found that in london in boots, my medicine was on a three for the price of two sale.
and now im stocked for three weeks. Thank you *_* im so thankful you have no idea. My eyes itching has been reduced to my right eye itching every now and then and my nostrils dont feel so battered and raw no more. For this too i am thankful. My temperature is regulating itself now and i dont feel so hot any more...just warm.

and do you know that fanta has poofed up my tummy and i look four months pregnant or something. its rather cute when i dance and i look really silly funny and giggle stupidly. *wiggles and giggles*
More reading needs to be done now and thus i kill the mood but look, my sister is cooking me sausages and chips and its not pork sausages for i hate them, no its turkey sausages *_*. Today is not so bad, thanks.

take care.

chuu_hime @ 2005-06-05T21:59:00

2005-06-05T21:00:31Z

i feel awfull T____T
so not a good time to feel so bad

nahh

2005-06-05T17:06:40Z

havent been able to read much at all.
now that parents finally stopped giving me stuff to do
hayfever took over from hunger T_T my eyes have been itching alll day long!
keep watering when i try to read and i have a terrible headache growing by the minute and now i can rarely blink for the itchyness. this is the result of no money
*cries* i am not failing, i will not fail i refuse to! , i refuse i refuse!
i reefuusee *bawls* i absolutely will not! not again.

the time is

2005-06-04T12:06:24Z

1 oclock on the 4th of june...mother finally fed me
*cries* i am sooo happy *oohs and ahhs happily as she huggles packet of TUC biscuits and smells it* all for me ooh oh dear god what a lovely lovely appetising colour it is, what beautiful markings and tables it has what a lovly picture, ahh the sound of it opening T_T
*stuffs her mouth full and sinks into happy bliss* uh soh guhdd!
oh oooh cheese...ooh ooh savoury...ooh oooh melt in mouth...so happy!
*starts crying from happiness*

found

2005-06-03T20:09:52Z

pie.
ate said pie
lets just say...it didn't taste good
*cries*